Parenting Articles
IF KIDS CAN HEAR PROMISES, THEY CAN HEAR REQUESTS
Getting your child to listen to you is easier than it sounds
©
2001 By Jim Fay
You can train your child to hear you the first time you say something. Or, you can train
them to ignore you. Raising a child who listens to adults is a source of joy. Raising one
who doesn’t is a constant source of frustration and torment.
Our actions either train kids to listen or not to listen. Consider this situation I witnessed
in an airport recently. Joshua, a five-year-old, was running out into the concourse.
“Joshua. You stop that running!” called his mother. She did not follow through, so
Joshua continued dashing in and out of a crowed of irritated travelers.
“Joshua. You get over here!” Once more, she barked an order, but did nothing to
enforce it.
“Joshua! Get off of that!” Another order was shouted by mom and ignored by Joshua.
Suddenly, Joshua was right at my feet staring up at me.
Mother ordered again, “Joshua. You get away from that man. You come over here.
Quit bothering people.”
I looked down at Joshua and asked, “Joshua, what’s your mom going to do if you don’t
do what she says?”
He knew the answer immediately, “Nothing.”
Of course he was right. His mother had trained him to know that she would bark orders,
but never enforce them. Why should he listen if he could do as he pleased — without
adult interference — by not listening?
In fact, Joshua never had to walk back to his mother in the airport. She came over to him,
held his hand, and apologized to me with, “I’m so sorry. You know how five-year-olds
are. They won’t listen to a thing you say.”
It took a lot to keep me from saying, “I’ve known a lot of five-year-olds who listen to
their parents. But their parents mean what they say.”
– over –Kids Can Listen/Page Two
Training kids to listen is not brain surgery. It’s not complicated. Joshua’s mom could
retrain him to listen by first retraining herself to do the following:
1. Make a commitment she will never repeat herself. Kids unconsciously learn how
many times each parent will repeat a request before taking action. She can give
Joshua the gift of knowing she will only say something once.
2. Be prepared to act. She needs to be dedicated to making her child’s life somewhat
uncomfortable each time he fails to listen the first time she says something. This
means as soon as he disobeys she goes to him, takes him back to his seat, and makes
him stay with her saying, “How sad not to listen. Now you can stay with me.”
3. She should never accept, “But I didn’t hear you,” as an excuse. When confronted
with this excuse, she should respond with, “How sad not to be listening. Maybe your
ears will get better.” It is important she says this without sarcasm and follows
through with the consequences of not listening.
4. Be prepared for Joshua to have a fit about not getting his way. Even though this
will be uncomfortable, other adults around her will secretly applaud her courage and
willingness to put forth the efforts to raise a well-behaved child.
5. Get ready to enjoy a more responsible and happier child.
I have worked with kids and families for 47 years. During that time I have never met a
child who failed to hear a parent’s promise. They always hear promises the first time.
I’ve also learned their ears work the same way for requests when parents learn and follow
the four steps I’ve outlined.
Training and expecting kids to listen is one of a parent’s greatest gifts. It’s the
Love and Logic way.
Jim Fay is president and co-founder of the The Love and Logic
®
SCHOOL SUCCESS STARTS EARLY
Expert says getting kids to relate to their teachers is the best strategy
©
2002 By Dr. Charles Fay
In my work with kids and teachers over the years, I’ve witnessed the many benefits of
healthy student-teacher relationships. Establishing a connection between your child and
his or her teachers is key to success in school and throughout life.
Regardless of a child’s scholastic abilities, parents can show him or her how to get along
with teachers. Before your kids start school, give them a powerful advantage over other
children by teaching them the following practical, easy-to-learn skills:
Tip 1: Smile and say “hello” to your teacher everyday.
Kids who greet their teachers with a smile and a warm “hello” every morning usually
have fewer problems with their teachers throughout the day. It is important, however, for
parents to help their kids understand it is necessary to not overdo it. Try practicing with
your child.
Tip 2: Pay attention to your teacher. While your teacher is talking, look him or her
in the eyes, smile, and nod.
Love and Logic parents know that helping their child relate to teachers will increase the
child’s interest in what is being taught. One parent I know had a daughter who
experienced difficulty paying attention in class. After the parent suggested looking at the
teacher, smiling, and nodding, she became more engaged in her learning and was better
prepared to ask questions about the lessons.
Teachers enjoy working with children who are interested in learning. Students who are
attentive and “encourage” their teachers during the lesson have an advantage over those
who do not. In addition, these children will be more comfortable approaching a teacher
with any concerns they may have.
Tip 3: Raise your hand periodically to ask a question about the lesson.
A child who asks questions shows the teacher he or she is paying attention to the lesson
being taught.
Tip 4: Say “please” and “thank you.”
It is important for parents to model good manners. At the Love and Logic Institute,
we’ve found that children learn much more from our actions than from our words.
What we say in front of our kids is more important than what we say to them. For
example, when your child is nearby, you might say to your spouse, “I sure do appreciate
all of your help today around the house. Thank you so much.”
– over –School Success Starts Early/Page Two
Kids who use these skills in school will have an advantage over kids who do not.
These skills also will carry over to the workforce, which will give children an advantage
over others throughout their professional lives.
One student I know suffered from significant learning problems. Many people thought he
would not be successful in his professional life. Much to their surprise, however,
he went on to have a wonderful career and did better than kids who were much
“brighter,” because his parents taught and reinforced good relationship skills over and
over again.
Don’t wait! Start using these Love and Logic techniques and join the thousands of
parents who are raising successful, responsible kids.
# # #
Dr. Charles Fay is a nationally known speaker, parent, and school psychologist
with the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, Colo. His book, Love and Logic Magic: When Your
Kids Leave You Speechless, provides a host of helpful tips for teaching values, as well as
handling other perplexing parenting issues. For more information about Love and Logic parenting
and teaching techniques, call 1-800-LUV-LOGIC or visit www.loveandlogic.com
MANNERS MATTER!
Try four easy ways to teach kids how to behave
©
2002 By Dr. Charles Fay
In all parts of their lives, children with great manners have a powerful advantage over
those who do not. They make friends easier, get along better with their teachers, and
eventually make much better employees and spouses. Here are four techniques that will
give your child this life-long gift:
Tip No. 1: Make a list
Sit down with your kids and make a list of the specific behaviors polite people display.
Have fun with this activity. Your written list might look something like:
• Say “please” and “thank you”
• Eat with their mouths closed
• Burp in the privacy of their own rooms
• Say “excuse me”
• Hold doors open for people
Tip No. 2: Model these manners
Children learn much more from our actions than from our words.
Tip No. 3: Provide kids what they want only when they use manners
When parents use Love and Logic, they don’t waste their breath lecturing about good
manners. Instead, they very politely refuse to provide what their kids want unless they
hear a sweet “please” or “thank you” and see the other behaviors on their “manner list.”
For this to work, parents must respond to requests with polite sadness instead of anger or
sarcasm. For example, a parent might say in a sad tone of voice, “This is such a bummer.
We can’t go to the movies today because you need more practice with manners first.”
A parent who sets this limit, avoids anger or sarcasm, and holds firm by staying home
will see a very upset child in the short-term and a much happier, more responsible one
in the long-term.
Tip No. 4: Expect them to repay you for any embarrassment they cause
If your child continues to be rude, he or she may need to repay you for the embarrassment
or inconvenience created. With genuine empathy and sadness, a parent might say, “How
sad! Your rudeness at Aunt Mary’s house really drained the energy out of me. I’ve been
too tired to clean the bathrooms. When you get them done, I’m sure I’ll feel a whole
lot better.”
– over –Manners Matter!/Page Two
If the child refuses or forgets to do the chore, wise parents don’t lecture or threaten.
Instead, they quietly allow their child to “pay” for their bad manners with one of their
favorite toys.
Thousands of parents have transformed manner monsters into polite kids who are a
pleasure to be around. At one Love and Logic seminar, a parent commented, “When I
used these tips, my boys almost immediately started to shape up. They even warned one
of their rather rude friends who was visiting: ‘Better stop burping … Our mom’s gonna
make you do chores.’”
Give these Love and Logic tips a try, and see how much fun parenting can be!
# # #
Dr. Charles Fay is a nationally known speaker, parent, and school psychologist
with The Love and Logic Institute in Golden, Colo. His video, Hope for Underachieving Kids, and
his book, Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless, provide a wealth of ideas for
raising kids who are ready to learn and ready for the real world. For more information about Love
and Logic parenting and teaching techniques, call 1-800-LUV-LOGIC
or visit www.loveandlogic.com.
START SCHOOL WITH A SMILE
What To Do When Young Children Cry About Going
©
2001 By Dr. Charles Fay
At schools across America, teachers see two types of first-year students: one quickly
adjusts to school and begins to enjoy it, the other cries each day at the door. By applying
some easy-to-follow Love and Logic
®
guidelines, parents can help their youngsters
belong to a very lucky group … students who start school with fun instead of fear.
Arrange a tour of your child’s school before the year starts.
It’s not unusual for young children to imagine the worst when they don’t have enough
information. Big fears about where they are going to sit, where they will eat, whether
their teacher will be “nice,” and what they will do if they need to use the restroom
become much smaller when parents take this step.
Teach confidence by showing it.
When parents spend too much time trying to calm their children’s fears, their children
begin to think, “Wow. If my parents are this concerned about me, and they have to talk
this much about going to school, maybe there really is something to be worried about!”
More effective parents give lots of hugs, listen, and say, “I love you.” Doing this, they
send a very strong message of confidence. Simply put, confident parents tend to have
confident kids … worried parents tend to have worried kids.
If you drive your child to school, leave quickly.
Smart parents give quick hugs, let their kids know they’re in a hurry, and leave without
looking back. Why? Because the underlying message they send to their children is,
“You can handle this. You’re strong!” It’s amazing how children either live up to —
or down to — our expectations.
Avoid backing down from tantrums and tears.
Don’t teach your child to be fearful by backing down to crying and allowing him or her
to stay home! Regardless of how heart wrenching their cries become, Love and Logic
parents send their kids to school. Why? Because all experienced teachers say the same
thing: “It’s amazing how fast kids calm down after their parents are out-of-sight!”
Parents across the country are finding these Love and Logic techniques are easy-to-learn,
teach kids to be responsible, and change lives! One parent commented, “My six-year-old
son was so afraid of school he wouldn’t even get out of the car when I tried to drop him off.
We were desperate. The day we tried these tips, and had some help from the teacher getting
him out of the car, was the last day we had these problems. We’re a happy family again!”
– over –Start School with a Smile/Page Two
Give Love and Logic a try, and see how it changes your life. You’ll be amazed how
simple it really is.
Dr. Charles Fay is a nationally known speaker, parent, and school psychologist
with The Love and Logic Institute in Golden, Colo. His new video, Hope for Underachieving Kids,
and his book, Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood, provide a wealth of ideas for raising kids
who are ready to learn and ready for the real world. For more information about Love and Logic
parenting and teaching techniques, call 1-800-LUV-LOGIC or visit www.loveandlogic.com.
Great articles. I think I need this book. My parenting always needs improving!